85 fathers attend meeting

by Carolyn Lucas
west hawaii today
clucas@westhawaiitoday.com
Monday, March 28, 2005 9:19 AM HST
 

Hawaii Island Fatherhood Conference guest speaker Hawaii Pacific University Professor and Kumu Hula John Kaimikaua talks at the Outrigger Keauhou Beach Resort Saturday about the importance, from a Hawaiian perspective, of selecting a name for a newborn infant. He believes careful thought should be given to name selection. MICHAEL DARDEN | WEST HAWAII TODAY

Men prepared Saturday for a "grand and important adventure." Some carried fears of being viewed as helpless, ignorant and unmanly. Many sought advice from local experts and each other. All were ready to be dads -- honest-to-goodness, care-for-the-children dads.

"Don't think of the son you wish to have. Think of the father you wish you had," said Douglas Bartlett, Kealakehe High School counselor and Kona Assertive Parenting Association facilitator, during the "Celebration of Fatherhood" conference at Outrigger Keauhou Beach Resort.

West Hawaii Fatherhood Initiative (WHFI) sponsored the seven-hour conference, which 85 fathers, their families, community members and social service providers attended.

A Family Support Services of West Hawaii program, WHFI is funded by the Hawaii Children's Trust Fund. WHFI seeks to "raise the bar" for fathers giving them needed resources to take care of themselves, nurture their children and respect their partners.

"Men want to be good fathers, good partners, good citizens, but they sometimes need encouragement and guidance, which is why this initiative is critical to the health of men and our communities," said Michael Kramer, WHFI coordinator. "We're hoping to engage fathers long before they end up in crisis. We're all responsible to help men succeed. With a little support, its amazing how men can commit to their health and their families."

Participants were introduced to positive role models, training activities, community advocacy, social groups and classes on parenting and child development issues. They chose from 11 workshops, including birth names, fathers' legal issues, designing father-friendly services, nurturing and recovery.

At the "Working with out-of-control teenagers and their parents" workshop, Bartlett said "Society is crazy. ... How is it that the most important job, parenting, comes with no training? There should be hundreds of these classes."

The perfect balance to parenting, he said, is nurturing and structure, which was defined as fairness and consistency. However, this does not mean the mother does the nurturing while the father adds the structure.

"Kids need to know that Mom and Dad speak with the same voice and that you can't spilt the two of them apart," he said.

Today's fathers, he said, are expected to be the breadwinners, but also a real presence -- physically and emotionally -- in their children's lives.

Children with involved, loving fathers are significantly more likely to do well in school, have healthy self-esteem, exhibit empathy and pro-social behavior, and avoid drug use and crime compared to children who have uninvolved fathers, Bartlett said.

Among the featured speakers were kumu hula John Kaimikaua, County Councilman Angel Pilago, state Rep. Josh Green and WHFI fathers.

Green recalled a favorite childhood memory of his father at a small New York stream. His father handed him, then a toddler, a stick with a dangling piece of string. All day, they "pretended to fish." Although he spent more time with mom, Green said the memories of him, in diapers sagging down to his knees, and his dad fishing will always remain with him.

"We should celebrate our fathers by spending real time listening to them and by really learning what they want to teach us," he said before the conference. "Fatherhood is a lifelong commitment to be taken more seriously than anything else in this world. If you chose to have children, consider it the most important responsibility you will ever take on."

Kaimikaua stressed the importance of prayer and spirituality with Hawaiian families.

Kaimikaua told audience members the truth is in their intuition or "gut feeling," not their intellect or "deceiver." He also encouraged them to build things that honor those of the past, present and future.

Joseph Fichter, Family Support Services of West Hawaii executive director, said he hopes those who attended the conference receive the resources and support they need. He shared the words of a 6-year-old boy, which he hopes all fathers will someday hear -- "My dad is the greatest dad ever. I would kiss a pig for him."