Learning to Ask for Help

By William Sears, M.D.

Q.My 2-year-old constantly says, "I want to do it myself" even when I know he can't. Any suggestions on how I should handle this?

A. Oh, how many times my wife, Martha, and I have heard this expression from our own children! Take it for what it is: a clue that your toddler is well on his way to becoming independent. The ultimate goal should be interdependence, which is having the drive to tackle feats alone yet also having the wisdom to ask for help when it's needed. To guide your child toward this next step:


When he's playing, stay at a distance, but be on standby in case he needs your assistance.
Help him learn that there are some things he can't do by himself. For instance, if he insists on figuring out a complicated new toy, let him try. At some point, he's bound to get frustrated and turn to you.
Even when you're helping your child stack blocks or draw a picture, for instance, be a cheerleader. Say, "Great job" or "I'm proud of you," phrases that show him that your participation doesn't take anything away from his accomplishment.
Ask your little one to join in while you're feeding, bathing, or playing with his baby sibling, for example. This gives him an opportunity to help you.
Through these lessons, your toddler will eventually learn the concept "I can do it fine by myself, but together we can do it even better." And, in my experience, an interdependent child who knows how to make the most of what he — and others — has to offer is much more likely to be successful in social, school, and work relationships for years to come.

PARENTING magazine, March 2003

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