Childcare for Your Baby
Relative Care: Setting Ground Rules
Approved by the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board

Setting up clear lines of communication from the start will help make any childcare relationship go well. Obviously, this is particularly important when dealing with a family member with whom you have an additional relationship.

Make sure you set up a system for exchanging questions, comments, and concerns. After all, if you trust your relative enough to have her care for your child, she probably has valuable ideas and suggestions. Plus she's providing a valuable service for your family, possibly at the expense of the rest of her life.

"We deliberately did not ask my mom to watch the baby full-time because we respect her lifestyle," says Jean Santiago, a BabyCenter user from Bowie, Maryland. "She's a widow and loves to travel and is very busy in the community. We knew asking her to watch him would really cut down on her freedom." If your mom or aunt is willing to trade her personal freedom for your baby's well-being, recognize and appreciate her generosity.

It may help to write your agreement down on paper. Discuss her hours, time off, and anything else that comes to mind (nothing is too small or unimportant). You might feel uncomfortable having a family member sign a contract, but something a little less formal could help spell things out for both of you. Be sure to talk about:

What's below:
•  Childcare philosophies

•  Keeping in touch

•  A backup plan

•  Visitors

 See also | Other Sources

Childcare philosophies
If you're comfortable having your relative care for your child, chances are the two of you already have similar views on childrearing. "Overall, I admire how my daughter is raising her children," says Susan Klee, who has watched her granddaughter Michela once a week for four years. "I go along with whatever she wants. And if I disagree, I just don't say anything. I do things the way she wants them done." Even if your relative has the same healthy attitude as Susan, it's important to be clear about how you'd prefer her to handle each of the following issues:

• Discipline. Describe a few scenarios for your relative so she understands your approach. For example, tell her that you deal with temper tantrums by having a time out and with toilet training accidents by asking your child to come to you the next time she has to go. Or remind her that you don't hit or spank your child. This is a touchy issue, one that may be particularly difficult to discuss with a family member. Be open to her ideas, but make your preferences clear.

• Food. Talk about how, when, and what you want your child to eat. If your baby's an infant, for instance, make it clear that you don't want her eating solids until she's at least six months old. If you have a toddler, make a list of suggested snacks and lunches. If you think your relative will have a hard time following your recommendations, prepare your child's food yourself ahead of time.

• Sleep. When does your baby nap? For how long? Should your toddler still be catching a few winks every afternoon? Bring your relative up to speed on your child's sleep habits and make sure your child has a quiet, safe, clean place for daytime z's.

• Crying. Do you let your baby cry it out before she goes to sleep, or do you go to her right away? How long should your relative let your child cry before going in to her? This can be a controversial subject, so tackle it tactfully. You may not be able to change your relative's mind overnight (especially if she's your mother or aunt), but if you explain your position and perhaps give her an article to read (click hereto see what BabyCenter's experts say), she's likely to come around.

• Playtime. Give your relative a list of the kinds of activities you want your child to be involved in, acceptable toys for her to play with, and guidelines for watching TV and videos. If your relative is caring for your child at her house, you may want to provide the toys, books, games, and videos you want her to play with and see.

If your relative disagrees with your methods, choose your battles carefully. You have to decide what's really important — starting toilet training when your child is ready, for example, or feeding the baby on demand — and take a stand on those, introducing other issues more gradually.

"We had to make clear our expectations on naptime," says Lisa Mihaly, Susan Klee's daughter. "You have to pick your issues. My mom takes Michela to the bakery more often than I would, for example, but that's okay. She needs someone in her life to buy her the occasional chocolate chip cookie."

It also helps, according to the National Association of Child Care Resource and Referral Agencies' Daily Parent newsletter, to discuss problems and concerns from your child's viewpoint: "Instead of saying 'I don't like what you're doing,' try, 'Johnny is so active, I think he needs to play outside more often.'"

Of course, different strategies work for different families. "When my father-in-law was watching Kayla it was a very precarious situation," says J.J. Craft, a BabyCenter member from Anchorage, Alaska. "He had his ideas on how things should be done, and we had ours. We basically told him that he could watch her only if he followed the guidelines we set for him. If he couldn't, she'd go to daycare. He didn't really like that idea, so he followed the rules fairly well."

 

Keeping in touch
To make your caregiver-parent relationship work, decide ahead of time how you'll keep each other abreast of questions and concerns. You may want to have a quick, casual chat at the end of the day or a more formal weekly or monthly meeting. Remember, this is a two-way street, so both of you need a chance to get worries and ideas out in the open.

A backup plan
If your relative is sick or unavailable due to an emergency, formulate an alternative childcare plan with her. She may know someone else who can care for your child in a pinch, but finding that person is not her responsibility. If she does suggest an alternate caregiver, make sure the person is someone qualified with whom you feel comfortable leaving your child. And if your relative has a class or standing appointment and wants to leave your child with her next-door neighbor, you should be able to okay it first.

Visitors
 

Will your relative have visitors during the day? From the outset, establish what's okay and what's not when it comes to other people interacting with your baby. You should also be able to give the thumbs-up or thumbs-down to regular outings and excursions, whether it's to the zoo or the corner store.

Again, remember that you are your relative's employer, but you're family, too, so try not to be a difficult boss. Having your relative care for your child may be good for all of you — you, your child, and your relative. Says Susan Klee, "Taking care of this baby together has deepened my relationship with my daughter." Her daughter, Lisa Mihaly, couldn't agree more. "My daughter and my mother have a wonderful relationship," she says. "You can't buy that kind of childcare — it's priceless."